The Latest Incompetencies From the USA
-------------- December 09 - 2004 -----------------
Patton Oswalt is angry. Like all great angry comedians, theres a lot that pisses him off girlfriends, radio shock jocks, Vegas, airline peanuts. The basic stuff. But he seems to have a special dark place in his heart for George W. Bush:
"Sixteen things I would be willing to vote for instead of George W. Bush:
Anal rape
That scene from Dumbo where Dumbo's mom cradles him in her trunk and he starts to cry
Four years of constantly being hit in the genitals with an ax handle by Avril Lavigne
Avril Lavigne's music
A new STD that makes angry hornets spontaneously generate in your anus, and it's caused by masturbation
Every time you blink, you crap your pants
The vague feeling of hopelessness that you get on a rainy Sunday morning when you've just fucked someone you shouldn't, and now you have to think of a way to let them down easy, and you realize that the pain you've caused in your life is starting to come back on you threefold, and you can no longer feel joy, and also there's an under-skin zit inside your nose
The body odor of a two-pack-a-day cigarette smoker in an elevator
Vanilla Coke
Contagious, airborne cancer
Italian food tastes the way it does at The Olive Garden from now on
A lost puppy slowly freezing to death at 5:11 a.m. on Christmas
Reagan's corpse
Orgasms can only be reached while listening to "Meet Virginia" by Train
All children look like Donald Pleasence until they're 11
John Kerry
Full Story
"Mr Rumsfeld was at Camp Buehring, Kuwait, to deliver a pep-talk to soldiers about the significance of the task ahead of them..."Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to uparmour our vehicles?" Army Spc Thomas Wilson asked. "You go to war with the army you have," Mr Rumsfeld replied, saying vehicle armour manufacturers were being exhorted to crank up production. Mr Rumsfeld added that vehicle armour might not provide total protection from the perils faced by soldiers in Iraq - such as roadside bombs."
FUll Story
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Dec 9, 2004
